Out with the Old

Oct. 18, 2009

I have come to realize that I am responsible for most, if not all of the negative thoughts that run through my head. They hold me back keeping me stuck in the same spot that I have been in for the past few years. I need to start acting instead of thinking, and take responsibility for the choices that I have made in my life. I am the only one responsible for the choices I have made, and therefore I am also responsible for the outcome.

I will stop spreading my disappointment and dislike to the other people in my life. My negativity should not be shared with others. I am the one who decides how my choices impact my life so from here on out there will be no more complaining about:

  • Moving to Jersey City. It is a perfectly fine place to live, many people live there and our apartment is big
  • My job. I give my job meaning so I if I want to make it mean that I am the master of the universe and that none of these people could survive without me, then that is what it now means.
  • Money. I spent the last 5 days living in an NYC hotel taking cabs everywhere and eating out everyday.
  • My father. I am no longer a child, and I don’t need to be acting like one

So from here on out it’s positive action only, I refuse to remain stagnant. I see Mr. K creating goals and his motivation is through the roof. I refuse to be the heavy dead weight that gets dragged around in our relationship. I need to add to its richness instead of sucking out all the nutrients.

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October 20, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

My Letter

Oct. 17, 2009

Dear Dad,

I have realized that I have not been authentic with you in our relationship. I am quick to get angry with you, do not feel as though you have supported me, and that you are act disinterested when I try to share my experiences with you. Because I allowed myself to feel this way I have closed the door on our relationship, shutting you out of my life. I am responsible for my actions and words, and have realized that you did not  cause me to react this way, I caused it. I am responsible for the demise of our relationship…

This was part of the letter that I wrote on Friday night, and this was part of what I read to my father Saturday morning. Sharing this letter with my father was both a humbling and empowering experience. As I began the letter I felt my tears transform me into the little girl, teenager, and young adult who was constantly fighting with, while secretly wishing for the support of her father. But I am no longer that little girl, I am a woman who has reverted to this little girl every time she speaks to him. This morning I said goodbye to her.

It was hard reading the letter, not only because of all the feelings and  emtions that it brought to life, but because I couldn’t expect to get anything in return. I could not expect him to apologize or admit he was wrong – nor did I want him to do this. All I wanted him to do was accept what I as saying and forgive me and the relationship I created, and receive the unconditional love I was handing him.

I knew I had to straighten this relationship out, because it was creeping into all of my other relationships. Mr. K and I constantly discussed it, I dragged this unfortunate issue into our relationship and now into our marriage. We discussed my daddy issues, instead of discussing our lives and aspirations, and it needed to stop. As of today it is done.

October 20, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Learning

Oct. 16, 2009

So this weekend I am participating in Landmark Education. I am skeptical, I am resisting, I have no idea why or how my butt landed in that chair a little after 9 am this morning. But I decided to keep an open mind, and I decided to actively listen to what was being said. I have to admit I did end up sleeping through most of the am part of the session (I honestly tried to stay awake and listen, but somehow I turned narcoleptic). Throughout the day I listened to the other participants complain about their lives, I tried to relate parts of my life to their, and thought about if what the forum leader was saying could somehow impact my life. But most importantly I waited for my life to be unexpected explosively changed. It didn’t happen. However I did learn about integrity, and that I am only as good as my spoken word and the promises that I make and break to others. That I found to be powerful. I also found that many of my spoken words are ugly.

I spoke to people about why they were there, tried to explain to people why I was there, went to dinner with them and discussed this even more. It was comforting to know that many other people weren’t quite sure how they got here either.

Well it’s the end of the first day and I don’t feel nothing but resentment. I’m tired, I spent all day sitting in a chair, was given only twoInconveniently placed “lunch breaks”, and a decent 1.5 hour dinner break. I like to do lunch around 1 pmish. These breaks took place at noon and then 3 pm, not cool with my normal schedule.

So now it’s time for the homework and there is more of it than I thought. I have no interest in writing a letter to someone taking responsibility for how I destroyed the relationship, and then calling them up at 11something at night and sharing it with them. It is Inappropriateto be calling people after 11 pm, and most of my friends are probably drunk, which would not be ideal for sharing. But I reminded myself that I am keeping an open mind and wrote my letter anyway, however I am not going ot share it, at least not tonight.

October 19, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Safari!

Elephants!Oct. 15, 2009

As a thank you to Mr. and Mrs. G for letting us stay in their apartment, we took them out to dinner. Halfway though dinner the conversation shifted to their African safari honeymoon. Going on Safari has been my dream vacation for the past few years (with a trip to Patagonia close behind). My grandma told me stories about her travels to Africa and I have been hooked ever since.

Mr. and Mr. G’s stories and photos were beyond phenomenal. They spoke with such a passion about their trip, I was ready to pack up and leave right then and there. Listening to them is the motivation I need to get my butt in gear to plan the trip Mr. K and I have talked about doing for our honeymoon. So once I get some internet and Buttercup gets fixed, the fun and our next adventure will begin!

Serengeti here we come!

October 19, 2009. Tags: , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Tribeca

ViewsOct. 14, 2009

The area of Tribeca that I am staying in seems like a good baby step for all those people thinking about moving out of NYC into the burbs. It is on the other side of the West Side Highway which gives it the feel of being removed from the city. I walked across the indoor bridge and felt like I was transplanted in a different place.

The room I am staying overlooks the water, I can see the Statue of Liberty from the window. At night the Jersey skyline is lit up and gorgeous. You step out of the apartment building and there is the park on the water complete with running trails and playground seconds away.

If you are thinking about the burbs but are afraid to make that giant leap across the pond, instead take the baby step over the highway and find yourself in another world. The apartments over here are far enough away to give you the feeling of a longer commute – granted not as long as the one from Jersey, but you do have to walk a good 15-20 minutes to the subway, and you must find a bridge and cross it.

I’m  glad I get to experience this area, it’s giving me a little prep for my soon to be Jersey living. It’s getting me ready to make my leap over the pond, despite the fact that my legs are still shaking, and don’t really seem like they want to move.

October 15, 2009. Tags: . Travel. Leave a comment.

Time Apart

Oct. 13, 2009

So I think I have seen Mr. K for a total of 6 hours since last Thursday. He had his cult seminar all last weekend and didn’t get home until after midnight, after I was asleep, with the exception of Friday night. Then he was up and out the door around 9ish, yes, I was still asleep when he left. I don’t count us sleeping together as us seeing each other since my eyes are closed and I don’t see anything but what happens in my dreams.

Monday – he had the day off and went fishing and I met up with him around 730ish, we ate with his gram then he was on a conference call for a while, then it was pretty much time for bed.

Today  – more cult activity for him after work. I worked out then went to drop the rest of our crap off at the NJ apartment, then sat and waited around for him till 11ish. Then we went to our new Tribeca apartment and went to bed.

Wednesday – yet more cult activity till about 11, so I will be hanging out with my new apartment friends, and probably going to bed right as he arrives.

This weekend –  I am trying out the cult activity so I will pretty much be gone from 9 am till sometime in the evening.

Plus we still have picked up our proofs! The picture from our wedding that actually proves that we tied the knot, which got me thinking, did Mr. K marry me or this cult??

He used a few of his vacation days for the cult seminars, and now has none left to take off during the holidays, when we go home to Cleveland. So now I get a rushed trip home for the holidays. Back when we were talking about him doing the seminars – a few extra days here and there didn’t seem to matter, I thought “it won’t affect me” Now I’m starting to realize that it does.

October 14, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

GramV’s

Oct. 12, 2009

        Anticipation!                    The Fam                    dance dance                           Friends!

Tonight Mr. K and I are staying with his  GramV out in NJ. It was a very relaxing evening of food, wine and reminiscing about several events – including our wedding.

I don’t think I will ever get tired of reliving our wedding day – I love talking about it, from the hair appointments, to getting ready for the ceremony to actually getting married to  group shots at the bar to the after party that I almost completely missed.

There is nothing that makes me happier than hearing people say they had a fun time at our wedding. I had not yet heard GramV take on the wedding so I loved hearing her memories of that weekend – it means so much to me that she had such an amazing time sharing our day with us.

But in all seriousness, I think I need to have a wedding memory day, one day a month for the rest of my life. I don’t ever want to forget all the little fun memories that I created with my friends, family, and family to be. I’m scared that if I stop talking about them they will end up lost and forgotten.

So starting today, once a month I am going to pick a few memories to share:

  • dance party at the Sheraton where HB and I had a moment – for a while there it was a rough road, and God forbid she ended up as just another guest at the wedding
  • EK swearing she is gonna back it up as her entrance into the reception, then practicing said entrance in the hotel room.
  • BR making out all over the place with his GF
  • CM singing my speech instead of telling a story that exposed all the bad things we did during highschool
  • Crying with my mom on the couch before the ceremony
  • Really wanting Mr.K to turn around as I stood there staring at the back of his head for what felt like all eternity
  • Group shots at the bar, as MM turns to me with tequilla shot in had and says “I never do shots anymore, do you know what it takes to get me to do a shot??”
  • Seeing everyone’s faces as I walked down the aisle
  • the fake birthday shout out, Mr. K getting tossed 15 feet into the air, and everyone dancing dancing and dancing
  • JS telling me she was so happy to be a part of the day at the after party

I could go on and on and on and on and on, but I won’t since I’m sure this is the 90th time some people have heard this. ButI’m gonna let myself self endulge once a month so nothing will be forgotten.

       The line up                      the manor                 After Party         ceremony site

October 13, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Good Ol’ Days

Oct. 11, 2009

This weekend has been a little surreal. I grew up on the upper east side, and by grew up I mean spent the my adolescent years of my NYC life there, learning many lesson that only this city can teach. So this weekend was a bit of a blast from my past. Mr. K was pretty much absent from this weekend, and I spent most of my time with CM and HB, just like the good ol’ days, and as you will read many of the events from the good ol’ days seemed to repeat themselves:

  • Friday night was happy hour at House of Brews, the “original happy hour bar” pre Mustangs, pre Santa Fe, pre Canyon Road.
  • Followed by a drunken trip to Duane Reade for more beers. Now you all may not may remember stumbling around Duane Reade all those years ago, but I do and I could swear you all were right there with me!
  • Drinking games with 40’s – I can’t remember the last time I had a 40 before this weekend.
  • The late night return of HB’s rugby friend
  •  CM and I eating chips and dip on the living room floor after the bar
  • Pee stained rug

Yep, those are a few key events that happened my first year in the life of NYC – the only thing missing was a random bar makeout. And now, yet again, I will leave the upper east side to live downtown (way downtown) with Mr. K. So I guess history does repeat itself, or at least parts of it do.

October 12, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Landmark

Oct. 10, 2009

“He wants you to join a cult. The definition of a cult is someone recruits you, you sign up, then the members tell you to go out and recruit more members” JW

Mr. K is doing a life changing/self help/how to take control of your life seminar, called Landmark. He wants me to do it to, I went to the trial night, at the and they come around and pressure you to sign up for the course, they will literally chase you down the hallway to try and force you to sign up. Needless to say it left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Mr. K is now taking the advanced course, and he is so excited about it.

He really wants me to take this course so I’m considering doing it for him, I’m still very nervous about it, but I’m considering doing it for him.

The people at the trial nights seem kinda pod like, and after his first weekend, he seemed a little pod like too, which is scary. I signed up to marry Mr. K, not pod person Mr.K. They also speak their own language and challenge you to do everything.  I don’t want to go around challenging people to do things, trying to force them to change. They also try and create possibilities for you, the girl at the event I attended was trying to create a possibility that I did not want – then tried to force the possibility upon me. I can create my own possibilities for myself just fine, thanks.

So now I don’t know what I want to do. I want to take this course to make Mr. K happy, and who knows maybe I will get something amazing out of it. But at the same time I don’t really want to do it, and I feel like I won’t get anything out of it because of this. So now I guess I need to figure out if I want to create this possibility for myself, or just keep living my life the way I want to – cause it’s worked out pretty well so far.

October 11, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Red

Oct. 9. 2009

Last night as Mr. K was attending his seminar, improving his life, I was heading to the bar. My intention was to have two or three drinks, go home eat dinner, work on some stuff and maybe even get a workout in. I spoke to Mr. K assuring him that there was no way I would be out later than 12:30 am. I had a plan and I was sticking to it, plus I have the only set of keys so if I’m not home he has to figure out a way into the apartment. I promised to call if I would be late.

Well needless to say one drink turned into who knows how many and 6 pm quickly turned into 11:45 pm. I found myself at Red, the K-town bar where all of my friends have been partying the past couple of weeks. I found this to be weird since none of our apartments are super close to that area, and none of us are asian. But the drinks were good, JH got us the special reserved table, and the DJ played all my requests. In my drunken stupor I forgot to call Mr. K. Around 12:45 am I went to text him, but my phone had died. So I grabbed CM’s and saw a message from Mr. K, “Do you know where Mrs. K is? I have been trying to reach here but haven’t gotten and answer.” After about 5 minutes I finally figured out how to send a message back letting him know all is good. Only all was not good he had no idea where I was, and had no way of contacting me to know if I was OK.

Mr. K worries about me when I go out just like I worry about him when he goes out, and fails to call if he is out too late. The feeling of not knowing where someone is and not being able to contact them is not a good one, it’s terrifying. I don’t want to make Mr. K feel that way, so I’m not a mission to do better than I did last night.

October 10, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

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